and the award goes to?..

i should get an Oscar award for putting up such a fabulous show of nonchalance and ignorance. then again, sometimes i think im just creating a drama out of nothing, where in actual fact, there wasnt anything to begin with? yet, when the emotions hit home, i know is real. and i still do wanna care, but it fails somehow.

i should try not to depend so much, but i cant help it. i really hope it aint too much of a burden. am at a lost to express appreciation and gratitude. hope everything is fine, not in terms of academic but all other areas as well.=)
i do wanna share about it with others but more often that not, all i need is just a empathic ear only, which seems to be in short supply.

retiming..

was planning to regurgitate all the swirls and whirls in my mind these past few days, but i have decided to held back and keep it short. i should really go with the flow, as my mum would always say. and more importantly, to stop trying so hard. but its alot easier said than done. i should have commit, and pulling back is so much harder than i ever want to admit. but in some sense, i do hope it's really working. yet in those aplenty moments of weakness, it comes back to haunt. every little things and actions, which have so profoundly affected me, lingers on everywhere.

i take too much notice and take much unnecessary heed of things / words. but i cant really help it. i cant shut out and ignore. to pretend not to see?

its time to cool off, to chew slowly and to release.

Loveless

productivity?

finally, a much needed day to rest and more importantly, to relax at home and do nothing productive.

had a sudden realisation that i need to save up some cash. i kinda plan to hit 2 things, a car license and a decent car during my year 2. but im still at a lost of figuring out the extra source of income for all that. hopefully, i wont need to cut down, but i guess its quite unlikely.=(

was stuck at this point. was drifting off, doing random stuffs, such as filing my nails, fast forwarding through my song list and just realising im using the in-built sound card for my laptop.

crap. makes my favourite song so mild. ah wells. hopefully, i can also use the spare cash(if i do have) to get me a better quality sound card.*crossing fingers*

reeling

seriously im kinda still reeling from the the talk on last week. many more thoughts / factors / considerations on relationships to iron out, and yesterday night also had its fair share of input. i guess im only an average thinker int that sense, need to take some time to process all the stuff, if i do eventually get it all.

i feel that there's a lot to discover and to learn about people. unfortunately, im not intuitively inclined towards it. have been artificially learning and internalising it, nevertheless, trying my best. hopefully, it can be instinctively eventually. though the results are significant, yet there is always still room.

lost

i am simply at lost of words, to coherent illustrate what is it about. or maybe in some sense she telling me. in certain manners, i really hope it wasnt that one way for her to read it. or rather it could be more of a 2 way communication, that all the while i have been looking out for.

you were right all along. regret was never the word, its too late anyway. look forward...=)

suddenly...

somehow i suddenly realised i got spare time for myself. i was definitely at initial loss of what to do, as i have always liked to plan and prepare. this sudden zone of own time seemed so much of a shock, though im still slightly reeling from it. going to bed after this, the amount of free time has given me a real headache.

the key take away has got to be assurances. the assurance that it wasnt me over-formulating things in other scenarios. the assurance that things would definitely turn out for the better, as i have gradually seen for myself as well. the assurance that i would be understood. though initially terrified and shocked by that, but the comfort underneath is insane. and although i would never be as analytical or sharp, but that's not in any way some form of measurement.

ladies, listen up!!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

communications

talking / communication with you makes me feel so much better, and in fact, so much more wholesome. i can seriously feel the sense of elation.

but leaving the convo so high and dry has become a trademark of yours, however, the frustration is undeniably present. you may have your reasons, but im too tired to feel despair, too drained to feel anything. it's simply just a case of whatever and yet when you do complete things, it leaves me yearning for more.

i can only detach and letting it go, as the power lies in those hands of yours. didnt know feeling so powerless could be so much of an adventure in itself.



thanks zg for the talks

RAWHH!!

well, this post was made out very randomly, so please do bear with the nonsense which is about to follow later on.

the word is actually brings music to my ears at times, i dont really understand the reason behind it but it does. unfortunately, certain are not meant to be then. so much so that it spells the word regret at some point of time.

in order to be fair back then, certain drastic measures to ensure something is right, it all comes to a halt. no doubt that everything cant really put back into place. but it does brings back some wonderful things.

it was due to my part where i haven put in enough effort at crucial times. so instead of it clicking, it un-clicked for some reason. those little messages, notes and calls do mean a whole lot. care and concern was there, everything was near perfect.

however, am glad things are turning out the way for you then. the camps and so on, perhaps on the streets one day, i may see you wit someone else then. that is something left unrealise yet.=)

you know me, i set out to do what i say, so moving is the best way.



cheers

five love languages.

my primary love language is probably:

PHYSICAL TOUCH

with the secondary love language which is:

words of affirmation

quality time : 6
acts of service : 6
receiving gifts : 3

ive always wanted to read that book. however, with this quiz, it makes it all the clearer. looking back about the past, many things are suddenly making sense.
and yes, physical touch top the list obviously. will blog more extensively about this soon, after i find time to read the book.

boredom

seriously, the rain is making the day so gloomy and so on. if im not wrong, it has been constantly raining for 3 days? but i must thank this rain somehow or another.

thinking back again, im real glad that everything is working out fine for you already. so i believe you are on your own already. dont ever fall down already, you should know painful it feels already.

i dont know what else to put over here. im like literally staring into the 15' screen and nothing is producing. damn.


and im just suddenly too glad for any words to describe =)

number 20th

my 20th post. milestone of poignant times.

i intentionally wanted NOT to be online last night, thus breaking the trial of blogging daily. was in a very lousy mood for a very lousy day. thankfully, spent time with my cousin to share and stuff. it was a great form of distraction, which kept me tethering on the brink of sanity.

it i could change, i would
take every pain, i would

blank

i dont know what else to put out on to this space.

too much have been said.
too much left unsaid.

it was not your fault.

im actually one whom to be blame

disappointment.

a familiar scenario once again.
tired + thinking about what to blog + self-censorship = cant decide what to blog.

the IT show has just ended. and by right, i should be sleeping, i still deciding to blog a little before i go off. am actually looking forward to hit the sales quota set by the client. however, due to unforeseen circumstances, we were not able to reach it. this is a very big disappointment i must say, all the hard work that most promoters put in has gone to waste just because of certain with some selfish reasons.

am really even down mainly due to the fact that i have been taking charge most of this client's show, and im unable to produce a decent result which am really disappointed in myself for not being able to hit the targets. was actually looking forward to cheers at the end of the day, seems like it couldnt be done eventually.

its not your fault =)
mine actually.
can we catch up some time? please?

luckily.

am very very tired, but no doubt rather pleased. spent a whole day, before finally doing up the final touches of the last minute cock up for the IT show. i think all parties have compromise a bit here and there. and unfortunately for those gossipers, there will be no juicy listings of what happened. but to sum it all up, im quite proud that we did a good job.

on the other hand...

a thousand possibilities running through my brain, yet none satisfactory. no where near in fact. summing up my talk with boss today, always yield to temptation and not to have expectation. i really wish i can do that. how not to develop attachment? how not to but to think constantly about? gotta thank boss for that, it really did strike a very resonating chord.

i want the password!!

tired

finish doing up my new blog skin.
too tired to process anything now.

for yew again again!!

well, words has already been expressed out over the internet not too long ago.
but back by popular demand, am here to blog about it again.

am very happy what happened today at outlet. i thank her once again for letting me hold the pinky. however, am rather sad that you went off that early, so am rather sad about it.=(

looking on the bright side, i would say this 2 days has been a very fruitful one, because the moments are very well cherished. and i know no promises can be made at this moment but i thank you big time.

am feeling shy though but then a promise is still a promise. will try to maintain that smile on your face. i tried my best already. in many sense, it is real enjoyable and fun having you around. most importantly, it is comfortable

---edited--
adding a few lines in.


thank you =)

for yew again=)

before im off to bed.
although its a lost post previously.
if you remembered the contents correctly, which i strongly think you did.=)
if you didnt, then its something about the pinky.
well, i want to thank you for that, for what happened today.
it was something which i must say which is quite a dilemma for a good reason.
although, i held it, and i think i shouldnt be doing it but i would say i dare to make this mistake. i will preserve that very moment though.
thanks



is it greedy to ask for it again.xp