boxing day

so cut my wrist and black my eyes
so i can fall asleep tonight, or die

the perfect words never crossed my mind.
cause there was nothing in there but you.

memories

Saturday, August 16, 2008
its far more than a blessing to be by your side.

shoo away the hates;
fly away those jealosy.

let the past be the past,
and look forward to the future.


i love you baby boy.

posted by ruoxxx at 1:15 PM


saw this entry.
it is still there, it lingers.
dont worry, can make it through.
- RIOUR -

RIOUR

after recovering from the initial shock, that tears dripped.

no concrete idea why, but thats the way so.=))
maybe i just want to see you back when you had that irresistibly radiant smile on your face, like that of 2 years ago.

have faith in each other=))
and take care=))
it will work out, im sure.=))

before the worst

if the clouds cant clear, then we will rise above it.
we will rise above it.

heavens gate is near, i will walk with you through
just like we use to, just like we use to.


-ruoir

April baby

Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous.
Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and
sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does
work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive.
Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good
memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look
for information. Able to cheer evryone up and/or
make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and
others. Understanding. Fun to be around.
Outgoing. Hyper.. Bubbly personality. Secretive.
Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and
traveling.. Systematic.. hott but has brains.

wondering...

sometimes i really wonder what my real status is.. what do i have installed for me in this life of mine. somehow i just couldnt get to any conclusion or any answer. however, i cant blame anyone for becoming such a state that im in.

im so arrogant all the time. and this has resulted in everyone disliking me. yet ive tried to change, although it is a good thing to do for many reasons but only one is enough. at the end of day, im being yelled at, taken for granted, taken advantage off. but im too timid to do anything to retaliate. then again, is it because i want to let such things happen to me?

i sometimes just want to voice it out yet im being kept away by angst of others or even one self. knowing the truth is so difficult, you are being pushed away everytime u get closer to it. i just dont know how everything turns out to be this way, which i dont even want it to in the first place.

frankly, i just want everything to be simple and easy, im not kidding. people may think im a sophisticated person but they are totally wrong, im not. i just want things to go simple and easy. however, sometimes the more simple you want things to be, the more complicated it becomes. till a point where you need care and concern to get you through, no one is there. i just dont really know how to explain, like i say, im being kept away. its like a frog in a well, and on top of that, the frog's leg is being tied up and there is no way to untie it.

i dont blame others taking me for granted and everything, maybe its because i believe that is the only way to seek forgiveness from the others whom always have regard me as an arrogant person. this isnt their fault either, what goes around comes around, im willing to take matters as it comes.

i just for now, want to do whats right, and im trying very hard. however, i know i cant be right all the time, im still human afterall. if i do anything wrong to upset you, then tell me what you dont like, im willing to take it to stride and learn from it. maybe because of the lovely someone who has been standing by me for the past 2 years we have met which explains my existence. thanks loves.

on a lighter note, just something in return. i just need that tiny tinge of care and concern..perhaps it would make a difference then..
hahas..



nights all

dont apologize
it was never your fault to start with
stay strong and hang on

to baby love Sandra

i know its kind of delayed to say this to you.

i apologize for not being able to pluck up my encourage to tell you this face to face. and i also apologize for taking such a long time to say this.

all i want to say is, my heart is always with you now.


RIOUR
we sat side by side at the morning light, and looked out at the future together

current mood

FTT

ftt is later.
sligh preparations only.
not really comfortable yet.
was thinking of closing down the blog since not much people reads it and also im too busy to update it.
then again, its just a small thought.

cheers.

R u o i R

Summary

ive decided to divide this post into two parts.

words

pictures

firstly, to summarise what life of yours truly.

two words to describe it.

"SCREWED UP"

secondly,


on a lighter note

all this could be solved with . . .

A* HOLE

i was an asshole, unfortunately, i didnt see the most beautiful thing in front of me and i went with my friends.

take whatever ive written down on this blog as a token of promise that whenever i disappoint you or have neglected one way or another. and show it to me that ive lose track of what is beautiful in front of me.

im just a boy trying to impress a girl. hoping that she would love me, and take me as i am.

i was foolish, but im a fool no more.

it is times like this where i build up my character to become a better person for you.

because at the end of the day, i still want to come home to big brown eyes and lovely smile. which will melt my stone heart and make me human again.


remember, show this to me, so that i can become a better man for you.

90th post

after some chat, it feels real good to clear things up!

thanks.=))

on another note, few simple things ive forgotten along the way. it's rather fun to discover them back.=))

well, school has finally started again, and im not looking forward to it at all. although the modules this time round is much more easier than i thought, but the idea of reading the books again, rushing projects deadline and so on really turns me off.

on top of that i have to bear with many things hidden within the realms of the class. the politics and so on is really getting on my nerves. however, i chose to remain mum over it since i have nothing to concern with. on the contrary, the looks of it sometimes gives me a feeling of plunging in to help everyone in this heap of mess. then again, be wise is the right to do.

holiday on the other hand was great though. bought loads of items. it was shopping, good food and more shopping. and of course with no one else but my dearest. bought our watches, clothes for the new sem and many more which is beyond description. in a nutshell, it was the company that matters most.=))

was wanting to go for a swim today, however, the rain man hasnt be any nice to me. when im done packing and preparing to leave. thunder strike. guess i have to postpone the swimming trip to who knows when.

eraser

i dont really know how to bring this up.
all i know now is that im a eraser.
the reason i say this is because im more of the death bringer.
i have been erasing those pretty smiles off your face, when i have yet to look at it carefully.
and you still have to put up a false front to assure that nothing is wrong.
im sorry for making you do all this and making you feel this way.
i wish i could do the direct opposite.
and perhaps i should be like you, priortise.
i dont want to see another you like this anymore.
i want to see a happy you once again, forever

active patience
but does not mean i wont explode

by popular demand

i bring to you



























1 picture of adam the cheetah

this are some photos during my zoo trip with dearest..
more coming up..
if you cant wait, you can go up to my flickr to take a look.
Click Here

hard way

Come with me
Let me walk in through the world that I currently stay in
You can take a look around and tell me if I’m mistaken
You can even talk to everybody that I live with
Maybe you could tell me why everybody’s so distant
Is it me or maybe, when I look around daily
I don’t even know the people I can put my trust in lately
People that I used to hang with now their actin’ to different
I’m still the same person why doesn’t anybody listen
Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
Right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope


Deafening voices
That frequency inside my head that says
I’m going at it the hard way I focus
Get everything inside out of my brain that claims
I’m going at it the hard way


Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
Right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope, give me one reason not to

zoo

trip to the zoo was great especially the sole company that i have, it was more than enough. mounted on with my trusty d300 and a 70-200mm f/2.8, i cant help but to shoot away.

as you can see from the flickr on the right hand side, there are some animal pics. not all has been edited and will post some on the blog. some which i like it alot.=X

anyway im looking for to such trips again.=))

the great escape

throw it away, forget yesterday.
we will make our great escape.
we wont hear a word they say.
they dont know us anyway.

tonight will change our lives
its so good to be by your side
but we will cry
we wont give up the fight.

if a picture express a thousand words : decipher it then

i feel like a





looms all over me



seems



how can i




but then i say again, im excited about the future and looking forward to it, i hope you are too.

its far more than a blessing to be by your side.

shoo away the hates;
fly away those jealosy.

let the past be the past,
and look forward to the future.


i love you baby boy.

porsche944 : going old school

this is the 'dream'..
going forward for this baby.

settled down : getting old

finally im not going for the Nikon D700 nor the 24-70mmF/2.8 lens and also the SB-900 flash gun.
because i dont need the 95% view
i dont need the FF format, i got no fx lenses and it is a far too heavy funding for me.
so with that i have concluded that i should settle down and just be happy that i still can afford a D300 and some other good stuffs and i shall stop funding in photography.
a little preview how the camera looks like, for those who hasnt really seen it.

cheers

backstabbed?

have you ever been backstabbed?
have you ever been backstabbed?
have you ever been backstabbed?

the reason i started this post with 3 same questions because i have been back-stabbed all along. so now i ask you again.

have you backstabbed someone?
have you backstabbed someone?
have you backstabbed someone?

now, if you are unclear about the meaning of backstab, then let me give you a helping hand.
HERE!

indeed this is a misfortune for me, i appreciate any comments on how you would rid your hearts of the ill feeling of injustice.=))

then again, perhaps im thinking too much?
if so, prove me wrong!

the five factor personality test

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have high extroversion. You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends. You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation. Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!" Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium. You are generally broad minded when it come to new things. But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it. You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The Five Factor Personality Test

doubted. . .

like the Leaning Tower

hees!

seawater for baby love!

its ex ex ex!

but i shall keep it with me first!

muahahahhas.

XPPP

there for you

sometimes im a selfish fake. you are always true, i dont deserve you. cause im not there for you, please forgive me again.

i want to be there for you. someone you can come to, runs deeper than my bones. i want to be there for you.

swirling shades of blue, slow dancing in your eyes. sun kisses the earth and i hush my urge to cry. i want to be there for you cause i hear the whispered words, in your masterpiece beautiful. you speak the unspeakable through, i love you too.

i wanna be there for you...

hidden

once again, i welcome my blog to be an avenue for 2 things

firstly, to express myself, no matter how coded or abstract i tend to be at times. there are some things that just not meant to be explicit.
secondly, to keep a record, regardless of how incongruous. its better than none.

while i should and will have a discussion soon, the feeling of kept in the dark and left clueless is boiling over. and for once, i really hope my hunch is wrong and especially since i have so much incomplete information and knowledge. only time will tell.

at the end of the day, what matters to me most is that beautiful smile on your face and that you are truly happy and will be happy. will you?

perturbed

a combination of factors has added up to be this very very rare mood of mine. but yeah, all has perturbed me significantly.

the "BRILLIANT AND DYNAMIC" class, that i study with, has once again found its way to prove itself. this time in politics and back-stabbing. seriously, in the position im in, im neither a threat nor responsibility to them, yet to my serious displeasure, i found a few knives impaled into my back.

its wtf. my policy was to egatively implicating others in my plan and i followed it to the line. and yet, some disillusioned fuckers has found the time and energy to try out her / theirs knife stabbing skills. it is at these times, where i appreciate the need of secercy of one's plan, as demonstrated by regularly by a fellow class mate.

speechless

perhaps the sudden free amount of time have left me nothing to do at home. as such, it is indeed a good time to blog once again about the guy that got hated, backstabbed and misunderstood once again.

being a normal boy with a wacky brain, he unfortunately, has to be part of the frontline that safeguards the future which in turns protects the nation's economy. it was during one of these sacred duties that he realises internal threats from the back are always of significant damage to one than external ones that are always there.

constant vigilance? definitely, but one's eyes must be towards one's rear.

when a student meets another, common question includes:" when you graduate?(ie the date you get the hell out of the shit hole?)", " where you going after graduating?", not "how are you gonna backstab me today?" this is more pertinent if the MOE were from similar backgrounds. one would and could expect mutual tolerance and acceptance if there is any slight deviation from the standard operating procedures. but yet the world is always cruel and likes to prove such unfounded beliefs wrong. what one see is the actual "making small report" that happens so common in modern day office. lesson reinforced.

think about who you are to me, then decide what to do next.=)) understand?

stumped

it is really a paradox.

when you dont want to blog, you have endless verbal diarrhea to pour out. yet, like this very moment when i feel like typing a few lines on to cyberspace, im stumped.

well, i was using that previous line to kick start my blogging engine.

been fighting the sleeping monster daily, and while so far, i have edge out. i fear that these are just Pyrrhic victories. it is in hope that my body gets accustomed to it and the rest will follow suit soon.

they say it takes 21 days to develop a habit, lets test it out.

im like hancock

back from the movie. not bad.
details below...

Soon into the superhero spectacular “Hancock,” before the machinery has fully kicked in, and the story is still wreathed in blissful ambiguity, you see the star Will Smith sprawled on a Los Angeles bench. Dirty, disheveled, in full distressed costume and character, and within easy sloshing reach of a bottle, he looks lost and alone, much like all the human detritus that washes up in every city and remains mostly unnoticed. But there’s no ignoring Hancock, who has amazing powers. He can fly, for starters, and soon enough he’s blasting straight into the heavens, the first homeless superhero in movies — Superbum! Alas (bummer), though he can look the part, Hancock isn’t literally homeless, just rootless, troubled and bedeviled. He drinks hard, swears at children (who curse him in turn), rarely shaves, never smiles. Worse, he has lousy superhero style, with sneakers and shorts (no cape), a grubby watch cap pulled over his forehead and buggy sunglasses that hide his (X-ray?) eyes. His takeoffs and landings are a mess: sloppy and violent, they invariably leave a heap of trouble and general rubble in his wake. He’s Pothole Man, Train Wreck Man, but mainly he’s Seriously Ticked Off Man, which, given that he’s also a black man in Los Angeles, suggests that this superhero story comes with some bite, even a few nibbling sharp teeth. Although whatever teeth it had have mostly been pulled, “Hancock” makes for one unexpectedly satisfying and kinky addition to Hollywood’s superhero chronicles.

i give 3.5 stars

tools

heard from somewhere today :" the fact that things turn out this way, does not necessarily means it going to be this way forever."

hmmm, that got me thinking and then realising that it does make sense.
relieved some of the despair
relieved some of the tension and the stuck-up thought of mine.
relieved some of the unnecessary pressure.

started to clean up some junk, plenty more to go.
bit by bit, shall clear them up. shall remember not to increase the mess as well. learning to turn perspective of frustration and detest into tools of usefulness.=)

FEAR?

there is great fear. great fear coursing through me.

fear of being who i can really be
fear of achieving what i can
fear of overcoming that fear

fear is trying to wrest me back into its control.
so many psychosomatic processes and mental thoughts attempting to hold me, throwing up their biggest stunts ever to retain me in its original shape.

i see all of that, yet it has me paralyzed. as i, in an effort to triumph over it, type it out now. it is preventing me from writing the goals down, preventing me in a futile effort from achieving. it is so illogical and stupid to have that fear, yet it is gripping me right now.

i can see why is it so aptly named "the courage to create" now.
break through it, bit by bit

wants

who would b nice enough to buy for me?

figure of speech

i was running this road, winding and curving.
initially, there was no notion of stop running,
dark sky, leg pain, laziness, etc.
as i ran, it got tough, tiredness was trying to stop me,
but the more i ran, it felt great to see things around
sometimes i overtake people
sometimes people over take me.
sometimes, i see people walking
people on the side playing soccer
engaging in their own activities
i see myself jogging along a little path, knowing it will end some way
yet it doesnt stop me from jogging
sometimes i jog
sometimes i could be faster
sometimes i see a pretty girl to make me wanna run faster
but the more i ran, the more tired i know i was becoming, and that i was heading home.
and yet i know, the next day, i would be running again
with the inertia to start running, looking ahead at the journey before it starts.
but at least i knew i was running and not hiding from oblivion facades.

so many machines within, but the paradoxes limits.
have the capability to hold them back and then talk about to reclaim back more of what was lost.
to utilise them for my own will. having mastery over them would be the aim.

entangled

feeling pretty shitty now.
it is as AT had said, about dust being shaken and creating a sandstorm?
or is it just mere delusions?

anyway, hermit week up ahead.

maybe i have over believed in what i have been fed, believed in what i thought i saw, actually, behind the veil, is so much more. as if it was always a conspiracy out to sucker me in. am i starting to see the flaws in the plan now?

security, sensation, power
what is it so entangling?

......

no regrets of the past.
acceptance of others of their ideals.
and passing no judgment.

is there more to it than just mere security, sensation and power?

blog number 60

my primary love language is probably:

PHYSICAL TOUCH

with the secondary love language which is:

words of affirmation

quality time : 6
acts of service : 6
receiving gifts : 3

ive always wanted to read that book. however, with this quiz, it makes it all the clearer. looking back about the past, many things are suddenly making sense.
and yes, physical touch top the list obviously. will blog more extensively about this soon, after i find time to read the book.

cheers

it seems some have quite the contrasting personality in real life(RL) and during blogging (BL). in RL, they are approachable and friendly, etc, yet quite the asshole / bitches BL. amazingly, there are also being opposite case of BL, and being real nice RL.
it really baffles me why its occurring.
maybe its just me and i also have such a personality BL and RL?
or they could be masking the hidden angst in RL, then only releasing in BL or what?

well.. dont know.. mugging up..

under the weather

feeling very under weather these few days. at least, spirit got lifted a bit by some very painful pimple squeezing.
unfortunately, could not attend a few activities that i really wanted to these past few days, and feeling quite bad about it. but, my mental health, is in no shape what so ever.

why am i such sensitive about stuffs you do?
im not angry nor pissed.
dont apologize.
i just want some compromising and clarification.
thanks.=)

verbalising

seriously, let me verbalise my emotions thats overflooding me right now.

i know i should be getting ready, should be organising, should be feeling 'enthusiastic' about doing my projects. but much as i thought i was okay, thought that i was feeling good, much as i thought i was going on with life. the truth is, i aint.

i dont give a damn about pride and ego anymore.

i still miss you.

after all these time looking around confused and tired banging against walls, and crying out even. soothing myself, i thought i finally succeeded. until i read.

i really dont know what is going through for you, but i can feel it. i just hope to be there to alleviate. it is not that i dont care, but my fragile heart and minute confidence just cant take no more frost blast from you, cant take anything to complete this decimation.

closest

she is the closest to heaven that i'll ever be..
happy birthday..

implications

oh my, im still reeling from the various possibly implications
but, im truly smiling once again.
no more little voices, YAY!!

'eagerness'

well well, i dont know why im so eager to blog this few days. considering that im much more tired and there is more things to do than usual, less sleep and etc, yet here i am again. moreover, im reluctant to blog anything specifically, just to mention where im at now (home, still) and where im going next (unknown, in this case).

always make it a point to read 2 different blogs everytime i get to use the net. hrmm, somehow this 2 just matters to me, to find out how they are, even being 14879248 miles away. thankfully, these to 2 are oftenly updated. then again, it could be im just clinging onto something familiar, so i wont totally forget. just to feel something.
comfort maintenance eh?

fire

the taurus's intensity has passed. he is smiling now.
i realize it does empower some, yet engulf others.

am learning to tame and channel the fire within, to serve and to help. any help or advice would be welcomed.=)

fire is a terrible master but wonderful servant.
let me attempt to appreciate and to inculate that from now on.
the fire that warms the house, when its cold.
the flame that cooks food for the table.
the light that brightens things when its dark.

maybe, all along in my life, i was never meant to be in charge. never to be the top and up there kinda guy. never meant to be always right. yet, ego and pride always made me push myself there, forming walls and closing doors. and causing so so much damage in the trialing blaze. i just hope it would not cause anymore mayhem.

allow me to go learn to play the fiddle. the second one. it should something similar to selling products, i hope? =x

uncomfortable

we have our piece and i understood. especially after the talk last night. albeit too late, even though i kept my fingers crossed that it was not.

i thought i tried my best, only to see my own severe inadequancies.
GOSH, Sheng. so feeble.
growing up and reflection time.

im still feeling uncomfortable and reeling.
but i have transited some, yet still am transiting as well.
no listening ear.
no words of comfort.

getting used to it though...

untitled

i cope with things via expressing them out.

thats one thing i realised.

when i do, i just need a comforting listening ear, if its not too much to ask for.
words of comfort would be nice.
touches of comfort would be invaluable.

i got to drop my ego and learn to stop bluffing myself.
i am getting better.
though the occasional invasions will attempt to wreak havoc for awhile, but yeah, am dealing with them, whenever and whichever manner they come.

what now?

all that disappointment and expectations flushed out by tears.

i never thought i was causing so much destruction and distraction and so unbelivably oblivious about it. yet the truth hurts when i look into the mirror.

i never felt more vulnerable. it really hurts.

im sorry. and i really hope its not too late.

i dont really wish to stay apart. not even for awhile.
the feeling is very lousy if it happens. serious.

keeping away.

i cant believe that i was actually camping to see each and every msn alert. and i cant believe that i scrambled to the handphone each time it rings/beeps. all these just hoping to see a familiar icon or number.

but i did. still am.

plenty of 'hurtful' accusations to hurl and to get but all i really want to say is:
its your call.
figuratively and literally and what-so-ever-ally.
though i hope you have not made it already.

burning out?

great!!
cs2 proposal need to get ideas from teammates.
osm handout is gone.
even the last resort wpdp requires teacher's comment.
what im going to do now?
i guess its nothing productive again.
sheesh

im getting burnt out, faster than i can imagine it possible. so many things i want to do, but competition for time seems so tough.

oh sheesh..

bored at home once again.
was looking at my schedule till holiday starts. and realised that its packed right till the first day. and there's one guilty party causing that.tsk tsk..hahas.=)

things, and what about it?

things are excellent and getting better. im starting to feel and give more than i could ever imagine, and its been a revelation. just smiling silly to myself..lalala~~=)

things have been going on very quickly and packed. homework rate has been increased due to the pending projects and that has taken quite a toll. am immersed deeply in many things and i was up for air yesterday night. it did help me put things in a few perspective and im grateful for that. shall have to keep those things in mind.=)

freaked?

i cant help but to freak out a little.
i dont really know why so.
but i really do appreciate some honesty.

*self-censorship rocks*

all i can hope is white piece of paper with some black dots.

devastation

i just realised how tired i am. am looking very forward to resting and actually. maybe the prospect and idea of a quiet place is really tempting me. i was rather too quick to expect, but i still believe my points are valid.

thanks for the wishes people.

take a break

take a break,
have a kit-kat.=)

learning the importance of looking before leaping.
and learning having to deal with the consequences.

im still figuring and learning as i had to come to terms with my realisation and shortcomings as well.

reasurrance

im very relieved that i got that big burden off, and things have improved instead of a highly possible decline.
thankful for my cousin's 'advice'.hmmmm
we'll help each other along the way as we share and aid.=)
and yes, you and your scary instincts and wavering ways.

PS we will work it out as we go along aint it zhenguang?

dan
on another note, it may seem that the least communication isnt that good, but afterall i still regard you as a brother.
i overlook small things, but concentrate on the big picture. its a journey of exploration and understanding, as we go along.
and the feeling is still taking its time to sink in.

cant believe it, its been a week since i last blogged.
7 days just zoomed past.

the only thing that is consistent throughout is the severe lack of sleep. i think im averaging 6 hours at best and the toil it's taking on me is starting to show. was falling totally asleep standing on my way back from school.

though in the past week, i have been exposed to a new but intriguing aspect of life, which i have jumped head first into. on hind sight, it could have been wiser to take a breather and consider my financial situation. but thats too late already.

i really want to trust the altruism of people, but it is very challenging to believe the in the absence of vested interest. then again, i cant decipher any possible avenue for exploitation. will attempt to figure out more. i really hope i am just being narrow-minded and unable to see/believe things.

study, work, study, work.
having a hectic week up ahead, and have to purposefully block out my off day time to sort out the personal stuffs that has inadvertently piled up since my holidays. time to procrastinate on procrastination.

reassurance

well, i was supposed to blog about a heck lot of things but maybe just now yet.
but a short brief of things:
income crunch issue has been alleviated (paycheck is coming),
i changed my hairstyle,
and have a much clearer mental picture of directions for the next few months.

talks

had a pleasant and comforting talk with the nowadays 'rarely' seen MJ and to update each other. busy busy busy, with our own different things, we all are.

unappreciative?..

there is gradual but growing feeling which i cant pin-point. is it an avid sense of dissatisfaction or is it more like the feeling of being unappreicated?

pondering over, i guess i found the answer to it. but then again, if i will probably get slammed for getting my expectations wrong again. though in some sense, its all about giving without expecting to return, however, im very much human. that makes it increasingly difficult to do as such.

being busy is relative. i admit i use it as a shield sparsely as well, but when its abused by others once too many times, it does get exceedingly sickening and makes one question things. makes me wonder was all that from previous time a bunch of superficial lies. or maybe just different priority eh.

loud voice and lame excuses are a daily source of alarm that breaks the tranquility of the night. it makes me wonder is obstinateness the most capable thing he is capable of, and maybe in 30 odd years time, i be similar. though i very much hope not.

i definately need to rest more. =/

hmmm, today;s shift at alan was rather interesting.

what should i talk about?
the loud ping-ing of the people over there, the asking of contact numbers, the all so standard excess shows or the little lessons of subtlety?

i think sleep's the best for now.

categorising

speaking of friends, i guessed relations have changed plenty lots. my views have evolved.

some just sour, for people move on and i respect that. one day, paths may intertwine again.

there are those that are in an occasional need of a poke / nudge to get things right. this to me, is kinda irritating. nevertheless, i chosen not to give up, but it really can get tiring. but the good thing is that when things get right, its really quite enjoyable and comfortable, if they get right.

yet the best of the lot, are those who dont need the special effort to maintain the friendship.

i feel that i know too many people that falls into the 1st and 2nd general category, for one cant really complain about having too many friends falling in last but the best?=)

thinker - man = me

Your Thinking is Concrete and Sequential

You are precise, orderly, and realistic. You tend to get to the point and get things done. Difficult, detailed work is easy for you. You take things step by step. Time limits aren't a problem for you either. You work well with deadlines. What does drive you crazy is any sort of task that isn't precisely laid out. You don't like anything to be ambiguous. You prefer to deal with the facts at hand.

What Kind of Thinker Are You?

thinking

i think im moving but im not going nowhere..=)

and the award goes to?..

i should get an Oscar award for putting up such a fabulous show of nonchalance and ignorance. then again, sometimes i think im just creating a drama out of nothing, where in actual fact, there wasnt anything to begin with? yet, when the emotions hit home, i know is real. and i still do wanna care, but it fails somehow.

i should try not to depend so much, but i cant help it. i really hope it aint too much of a burden. am at a lost to express appreciation and gratitude. hope everything is fine, not in terms of academic but all other areas as well.=)
i do wanna share about it with others but more often that not, all i need is just a empathic ear only, which seems to be in short supply.

retiming..

was planning to regurgitate all the swirls and whirls in my mind these past few days, but i have decided to held back and keep it short. i should really go with the flow, as my mum would always say. and more importantly, to stop trying so hard. but its alot easier said than done. i should have commit, and pulling back is so much harder than i ever want to admit. but in some sense, i do hope it's really working. yet in those aplenty moments of weakness, it comes back to haunt. every little things and actions, which have so profoundly affected me, lingers on everywhere.

i take too much notice and take much unnecessary heed of things / words. but i cant really help it. i cant shut out and ignore. to pretend not to see?

its time to cool off, to chew slowly and to release.

Loveless

productivity?

finally, a much needed day to rest and more importantly, to relax at home and do nothing productive.

had a sudden realisation that i need to save up some cash. i kinda plan to hit 2 things, a car license and a decent car during my year 2. but im still at a lost of figuring out the extra source of income for all that. hopefully, i wont need to cut down, but i guess its quite unlikely.=(

was stuck at this point. was drifting off, doing random stuffs, such as filing my nails, fast forwarding through my song list and just realising im using the in-built sound card for my laptop.

crap. makes my favourite song so mild. ah wells. hopefully, i can also use the spare cash(if i do have) to get me a better quality sound card.*crossing fingers*

reeling

seriously im kinda still reeling from the the talk on last week. many more thoughts / factors / considerations on relationships to iron out, and yesterday night also had its fair share of input. i guess im only an average thinker int that sense, need to take some time to process all the stuff, if i do eventually get it all.

i feel that there's a lot to discover and to learn about people. unfortunately, im not intuitively inclined towards it. have been artificially learning and internalising it, nevertheless, trying my best. hopefully, it can be instinctively eventually. though the results are significant, yet there is always still room.

lost

i am simply at lost of words, to coherent illustrate what is it about. or maybe in some sense she telling me. in certain manners, i really hope it wasnt that one way for her to read it. or rather it could be more of a 2 way communication, that all the while i have been looking out for.

you were right all along. regret was never the word, its too late anyway. look forward...=)

suddenly...

somehow i suddenly realised i got spare time for myself. i was definitely at initial loss of what to do, as i have always liked to plan and prepare. this sudden zone of own time seemed so much of a shock, though im still slightly reeling from it. going to bed after this, the amount of free time has given me a real headache.

the key take away has got to be assurances. the assurance that it wasnt me over-formulating things in other scenarios. the assurance that things would definitely turn out for the better, as i have gradually seen for myself as well. the assurance that i would be understood. though initially terrified and shocked by that, but the comfort underneath is insane. and although i would never be as analytical or sharp, but that's not in any way some form of measurement.

ladies, listen up!!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

communications

talking / communication with you makes me feel so much better, and in fact, so much more wholesome. i can seriously feel the sense of elation.

but leaving the convo so high and dry has become a trademark of yours, however, the frustration is undeniably present. you may have your reasons, but im too tired to feel despair, too drained to feel anything. it's simply just a case of whatever and yet when you do complete things, it leaves me yearning for more.

i can only detach and letting it go, as the power lies in those hands of yours. didnt know feeling so powerless could be so much of an adventure in itself.



thanks zg for the talks

RAWHH!!

well, this post was made out very randomly, so please do bear with the nonsense which is about to follow later on.

the word is actually brings music to my ears at times, i dont really understand the reason behind it but it does. unfortunately, certain are not meant to be then. so much so that it spells the word regret at some point of time.

in order to be fair back then, certain drastic measures to ensure something is right, it all comes to a halt. no doubt that everything cant really put back into place. but it does brings back some wonderful things.

it was due to my part where i haven put in enough effort at crucial times. so instead of it clicking, it un-clicked for some reason. those little messages, notes and calls do mean a whole lot. care and concern was there, everything was near perfect.

however, am glad things are turning out the way for you then. the camps and so on, perhaps on the streets one day, i may see you wit someone else then. that is something left unrealise yet.=)

you know me, i set out to do what i say, so moving is the best way.



cheers

five love languages.

my primary love language is probably:

PHYSICAL TOUCH

with the secondary love language which is:

words of affirmation

quality time : 6
acts of service : 6
receiving gifts : 3

ive always wanted to read that book. however, with this quiz, it makes it all the clearer. looking back about the past, many things are suddenly making sense.
and yes, physical touch top the list obviously. will blog more extensively about this soon, after i find time to read the book.

boredom

seriously, the rain is making the day so gloomy and so on. if im not wrong, it has been constantly raining for 3 days? but i must thank this rain somehow or another.

thinking back again, im real glad that everything is working out fine for you already. so i believe you are on your own already. dont ever fall down already, you should know painful it feels already.

i dont know what else to put over here. im like literally staring into the 15' screen and nothing is producing. damn.


and im just suddenly too glad for any words to describe =)

number 20th

my 20th post. milestone of poignant times.

i intentionally wanted NOT to be online last night, thus breaking the trial of blogging daily. was in a very lousy mood for a very lousy day. thankfully, spent time with my cousin to share and stuff. it was a great form of distraction, which kept me tethering on the brink of sanity.

it i could change, i would
take every pain, i would

blank

i dont know what else to put out on to this space.

too much have been said.
too much left unsaid.

it was not your fault.

im actually one whom to be blame

disappointment.

a familiar scenario once again.
tired + thinking about what to blog + self-censorship = cant decide what to blog.

the IT show has just ended. and by right, i should be sleeping, i still deciding to blog a little before i go off. am actually looking forward to hit the sales quota set by the client. however, due to unforeseen circumstances, we were not able to reach it. this is a very big disappointment i must say, all the hard work that most promoters put in has gone to waste just because of certain with some selfish reasons.

am really even down mainly due to the fact that i have been taking charge most of this client's show, and im unable to produce a decent result which am really disappointed in myself for not being able to hit the targets. was actually looking forward to cheers at the end of the day, seems like it couldnt be done eventually.

its not your fault =)
mine actually.
can we catch up some time? please?

luckily.

am very very tired, but no doubt rather pleased. spent a whole day, before finally doing up the final touches of the last minute cock up for the IT show. i think all parties have compromise a bit here and there. and unfortunately for those gossipers, there will be no juicy listings of what happened. but to sum it all up, im quite proud that we did a good job.

on the other hand...

a thousand possibilities running through my brain, yet none satisfactory. no where near in fact. summing up my talk with boss today, always yield to temptation and not to have expectation. i really wish i can do that. how not to develop attachment? how not to but to think constantly about? gotta thank boss for that, it really did strike a very resonating chord.

i want the password!!

tired

finish doing up my new blog skin.
too tired to process anything now.

for yew again again!!

well, words has already been expressed out over the internet not too long ago.
but back by popular demand, am here to blog about it again.

am very happy what happened today at outlet. i thank her once again for letting me hold the pinky. however, am rather sad that you went off that early, so am rather sad about it.=(

looking on the bright side, i would say this 2 days has been a very fruitful one, because the moments are very well cherished. and i know no promises can be made at this moment but i thank you big time.

am feeling shy though but then a promise is still a promise. will try to maintain that smile on your face. i tried my best already. in many sense, it is real enjoyable and fun having you around. most importantly, it is comfortable

---edited--
adding a few lines in.


thank you =)

for yew again=)

before im off to bed.
although its a lost post previously.
if you remembered the contents correctly, which i strongly think you did.=)
if you didnt, then its something about the pinky.
well, i want to thank you for that, for what happened today.
it was something which i must say which is quite a dilemma for a good reason.
although, i held it, and i think i shouldnt be doing it but i would say i dare to make this mistake. i will preserve that very moment though.
thanks



is it greedy to ask for it again.xp

PERFECTO!!

In accordance with the wishes of certain friends, I am attempt to blog in perfect English. Punctual tenses, professional grammar phrasing and perfect structure. No easy feat at all, however, let me indulge in it and give it a shot.

Actually, the first paragraph was quite the torture. However, I do need the chance to write impeccably, so this is my daily chance.

So, today's topic is aimless rambling from me, would be on ... ... ...

Okay. Mind is in a state of blank, though it swashed with inner conflict. One side yells to me that I'm talking things too fast and I'm just mis-interpreting through preconceived notions, while another eggs me on to plunge straight in.
I'm seriously thankful for the break week, which is on-going now. As mentioned, much much more sorting out to be done.

for Yew!!

ya..
somehow something happened to this post which i dont really know why how it disappears until i was told. anyway, in order to make it up, i will just try to remember what i wrote back then.

was flipping through various europe cities. for my pre-year 2 trip to europe.

the tinge and surge was undeniable, after that slight lingering brush.

let nature takes its course.
yeah, applicable to many many different aspects now.

-edit-
thats the best i could remember

Blog?

blog blog blog.
just a mere record of one's passing days?

or is there actually something more to this global phenomena? are people just wanting to be heard, in this world, where others dont really listen? or people just wanna exhibit out their lives and into the public domain, letting them onto a of part of their juicy lives?

i admit im quite a poor listener. but i really have tried to improve. to sieve out what people are trying to say, to understand what is hidden between what is said, to be able to know what is the unsaid. maybe it just isnt enough, i would fumble, i would trip and fall, but i wont stop trying.

i forgot a lesson just taught not that long ago
sorry for placing the expectations on you, sorry sister

SNIFFS!!

the sniffing cow regime continues throughout the night and is unfortunately no wonder near being relieved of his status.

the situation is obviously not helped by the fact that he is still sleeping very little, been out whole day slogging and celebrating a friend's birthday.

the specifications of the anti-running medication bottle says "AVOID ALCOHOLIC DRINKS".

somehow i didnt remember see-ing the label. especially in the situation i was at last night's chill out spot. sipping gently 2 different concoctions of poison over the night with crooning live music blasting in my ear.

hmm..maybe i did indeed forget it for the moment, so i can sniff throughout the night.

today marks the last.

*sniff sniff*

just woke up from my la-la land and im like a sniffing cow. somehow downing the flu medicine last night exaggerated the flu. in fact, i think it even created the flu. and worse still, i saw this old bottle that i use to take when i was young that my mum use to ask me to drink, i wanted to lie to myself that the medicine is going to finally work this time round. guess not.*SNIFF SNIFF*

am feeling under the weather. mind seems to be bit blurryyyyy..
cant really think that straight.
but i kinda have a feeling it's gonna be a packed weekend AGAIN!

am gonna let the momentum of last week run its course and take it from there. burnt out? you bet

although today marks the last paper that im sitting for but somehow or rather im leaving numbed about this. i dont have the kick whereby its finally the last paper mood. unlike 2 years without taking written test. dont make me jealous.hahas..xp

sleepless.

once again, i have achieved in not sleeping early. though it's not really something that i should be proud of, but just more of accepting that my sleeping hours has been officially non-existent in the past month?

met ikram today. in gist, we studied and joked throughout the whole afternoon. we cracked jokes on almost every type of shortcut. Like UTP is suppose to be unshield twisted pair in the end turns out to be united Tasmanian party. hahas

on another note, i would be probably slogging out all day after exams. hopefully i could get a week off or something. with a little one week. i desperately need the time to rest, re-organise my stuffs(which is laying all over) and spend time with myself. narcissistic as it sounds, but it's a necessary luxury which i have not been indulging at all.


bored?

Mugging

have yet to start on DCN today. and got 'commended' as muggertoot by my colleague. people good life, everyday work and earn money while waiting for MINDEF-ness. still have the cheek to say abang for life. just kidding.=)

no doubt SEMS this time wont be too good a one. confidence is not exactly at the highest, but decent grades still can be achieved, if dedication and determination is grinded into the last few precious days.

the days seem to be of less distraction. i even found distaste of most of the entertain readily available for me, save the pleasure of going online while listening to nice music. but most importantly, the availability of a clear unshrounded mind has been the most important link making me study. and im glad at tis critical junction, clearance of mind have been mostly achieved, except for a minute portion which i believe to be unclearable.

color checking result

You are Purple Tiger, whose comments tend to be imposing, and you possess vigor and your presence is strong.
Your gentleman like atmosphere makes others feel you are rather cold person.
But that is because they only see your sensitive side.
Really, you are warm and honest and considerate person.
You are optimistic, and you will not to give up any little work that you have started, even if the circumstance become unfavorable and difficult.
You possess great persistence.
You possess a wonderful quality of a good leader.
You can show flexible mind towards new things and ideas.
Because you are quick minded, you can develop logical theory while listening to the other person.
You have a tendency to follow your ideals.
If this side of your personality comes out strongly, your thoughts and actions seems too over reacting to others.
If you talk too big, people around you may find it difficult to follow your way.
You are a proud person, and think high of honor.
You cannot change your mind suddenly and according to circumstances.
Nevertheless, it means that you are keeping control of yourself, and helps you from failures.


did you like it?
glad that you are glad =)

short

thinking back on yesterday, i just cannot understand certain things that was running through a colleague of mine. just because of certain things you greed and you forgot your responsibility?

i seriously cant understand why. if you cant do it initially, then how come must you go ahead and accept it? you could have save alot of hassle for me and for the others also. you should know how the things work over there and yet you refuse to help?

i seriously dont really know how to explain this matter any further. i hope he does know what is he doing, hopefully.

however, am glad that certain things have been clarified. short randomness huh? maybe.=)
anyway, mug-athon is going to start after breakfast. still feeling very vex about how i cant finish all my revision on time when everyone is mugging away.

AND I WANT A MACBOOK PRO AND A GTR34!!!



sorry for being silly
did you figure out the puzzle?
i will be nicer =)

weekend

packed weekend ahead. and somehow most of the activities are more of obligations, than free will.
the sucky sucky feeling of that is starting to weigh me down, and most probably contributed due to the lack of freedom.
iron, boundaries and shackles.=(

im actually nowhere near it

How to Make Sheng

How to make a Tan Sheng Kang

Ingredients: 5 parts friendliness 1 part arrogance 5 parts ego

Method: Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of emotion and enjoy!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

muse

in line, with a little commitment project i was inspired, im going to blog on a daily basis. its called a 30-day trial thingy, where i would stick to doing something daily for 30 days, and after that, decide to drop or keep the habit. that is of course, after evaluating the pros and cons.

so for a start, the daily activities includes blog daily, wake up at a healthy time(ie 0630) and to read up a vocab word each day.(which im doing on and off)

oh heard from her yesterday though.=)
sure is glad that im 95% over it, though the last 5% would always be there, but it has become something healthy, imo. just like for the other rare selected, there always be the 5% there.
anyway, i just found out something interesting, something just about the blue. quantam leap? maybe..
and that is, she was my muse. my intellectual inspiration and that was probably the greatest draw of attention to her. although that was all in the past, a tinge of regret exits in the form of it being real tough to be friends, no just mere acquaintances.



cheers

Sad case.

taking a break from mug-athon.
DCN and IAD hasnt been touched yet and im nowhere near half of completing PMP.
PMP is left wit codes and more theories. damn bloody boring topics.
think going to cramp all in tomorrow.

frankly, cramping for such stuff sort of works for me. hopefully i can get a decent grade this time round. though everybody should know this. its wake up time, lunch, books; dinner, books, sleep.

the few moments i try to relax, my parents would be breathing down my neck. even so when im studying, my mum also seems to have comments.

seems that everyone else is also mugging away, how awfully realistic and sad of life. well, back to more mugger-ness